Handmade's Rail

There's a movement afoot that encourages us to buy handmade items whenever possible. The thinking is, I believe, that factory-made merchandise wreaks havoc on our delicate globorb. Most of it comes from carbon-belching Chinese melamine farms, then of course it has to make its way to your local Walmart via the Galapagos and Madagascar, where the ships stop to disgorge their ballast of nuclear waste and Tang.

But I think the handmade movement is disgusting. It greenwashes the act of purchasing. It makes you people feel good about hopping in your Prii and spewing carbon all the way to some charming farmer's market. Well, before you unbox that handcrafted toilet paper tote from the Crubber's Notch Co-op Fair, know this: Anyone who opens up their wallet and actually buys something is personally responsible for global warming.

So now that you agree with me, let's take a look at what you people buy and whether you really need it:

Coffee
Don't need it. Adds to methane production, gives you energy so you can run around exhaling CO2 all day. Nope.

Gas
Don't even get me started. Like you couldn't walk slowly to wherever you're going.

Groceries
Groceries come from all over the world. They come in unnecessary packages. They increase your methane production. You typically drive to get them. Meanwhile, edible items surround you: Dandelions; Tree bark; Garbage. Nutrition is everywhere if you stop to look for it.

Gifts
Are you kidding? Our world is melting; you feel like celebrating something? Shame on you.

Shelter
Puh-lease. Do you know how much my treetop bionest cost me? Exactly two dollars and a night with a contractor. That's the bartering system at work, my friend.

The only good hand-making is when you do it yourself. So put that now-obsolete wallet to good use as a new pair of shoes. Or lunch.