Smarties? No, Flakes.

Earth-haters everywhere are calling foul after hackers exposed hundreds of emails between British climate scientists, including references to "tricks" and "hiding the decline" of global temperatures. The world-wasters are saying man's effect on global warming has clearly been overstated by climatologists. Well, before you celebrate the fact that your impending deaths are due to natural causes, just sit tight in your roomy Dockers for a minute while we consider the source: British scientists.

British. Scientists. Come on, am I the only one who's noticed that Britain turns out buck-toothed Latin experts and deviant MPs by the lorry-load, and yes, it's Got Talent, but isn't exactly at the cutting edge of scientific research? Any country that refers to it as "maths" can't be all that serious about it.

So now leach-miners everywhere are claiming victory because of emails that some bedwetting English "scientist" banged off to his chum as he enjoyed a cuppa and a Hobnob.

I, too, am as incensed as I can be without expending carbon, not because I feel duped but because these so-called scientists had a real opportunity to scare the bejeesus out of everyone but me. One well placed, "Tut tut, do wish the numbers were more promising. Looks like we'll all snuff it soon!" could have given Al Gore a run for his money.

And the Photoshopped image of naysayers on an iceberg, found in one email? Downright hopeful. As if there are any icebergs left. Someone needs to teach these Pollyannas how to maximize abject terror. Perhaps Dick Cheney's not busy.

(from 2007) Oscars wrap-up

Allow me to begin by saying that the Oscars are a bloated display of lopsided wealth and navel gazing. But I love fashion. There’s nothing that makes me feel as good as donning a well-cut hemp pinafore over a clean, crisp unbleached organic cotton tee, my long kitty-cat earrings just brushing the tops of my shoulders. Which is why I read with interest the Oscar red carpet round-up Monday in someone else’s copy of the local paper. Once that person threw the paper down and ran away, I could really delve into the sartorial splendor that is Hollywood’s biggest event.

And I was not disappointed. Well, I was disappointed in the sheer waste of silk. And the fabrics that were obviously chemically processed. But I was not disappointed in the wealth of things to shake my head at. And believe me, I shook my head long and hard (not too hard; that’s a carbon suck) when I learned that ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ won an Academy Award® for best documentary.

That movie puts me off my tempeh, with its hopeful ending and upbeat can-do message. I haven’t seen it, but I know enough about it to condemn it outright. It’s a salve for people who want to believe they can alter the history of our ecosphere by driving a Prius and reusing paper bags. They can’t. Their mere existence all but guarantees the doom of carbon-negative earth lovers like myself.

Here we are, drowning our glorious eco-orb with globo-refuse, and Al Gore’s mincing around about how we might all get our feet a little wet if we don’t consider driving smaller cars and turning off the occasional light. He had a real opportunity to frighten the living crap out of everyone in the Western World, and he let it go. What a wuss. Give me an Orson Welles, who didn’t bat an eye when the American public wet its collective pants at his War of the Worlds broadcast.

Even the title leaves untapped fear and misery on the table. ‘An Inconvenient Truth,’ indeed. How about ‘We’re All Going to Die And It’s Your Fault (I’m Talking To You, China)’? Imagine that coming out of Jerry Seinfeld’s mouth as he read the list of nominees.

But no, Al Gore chose to add to the atmosphere of waste at this year’s Oscars. Wasted resources, wasted fabric, wasted opportunities for worldwide guilt and abject fear. But I have to admit I liked Reese Witherspoon’s dress.